How Did I Know I Was Depressed?
Wow! How do I start this? It was not an overnight transformation, I did not just wake up one morning feeling super depressed. It was a gradual process, quite undercover in the beginning (like a seed in the ground) At times I would be heavily overwhelmed by feelings of “I don’t care” if I don’t wake up when my alarm goes off, I’d keep snoozing it until I had only a few minutes left so I can get ready for work. No morning routine, just wake up with very little time left and rush to work. This was the first nail into ‘turning my passion into a chore coffin’. I was lucky, I did a job I was passionate about at the time, teaching music.
When I finally realized what was happening, in an attempt to save my passion I quit my job and went into something different altogether. While there, I still had problems waking up and my body became more ill, and I had to flee that environment too. It was a very beautiful place, I worked at a national park, I’d see all kinds of people who come there from all over the world and all kinds of wild animals. The thrill was always there, but even that was not medicine enough for what I was going through mentally. I was tormented daily by my past, present and future, and my health complications did not make this part of my life easier.
I was also heavily medicated most of the time, “zombified” by side effects and toxins from my medication, all of that lead to many other issues: memory loss, IBS, suicidal thoughts and paranoia. So guess what? I quit that job too and went on to go study, and that too I just made it by the buzzer, getting my Diploma a while after attempted suicide. Among all of this, I heard that my one cousin was murdered 🙁 , that was the final nail to the coffin and everything just came crashing down on me. It felt like I was hit by a mental train which left me absolutely crushed in every way, from there on everything went downhill until I came to a stop, living with my loving boyfriend (new relationship after 12 years of running solo) who promised to nurse me back to health for as long as it would take and so far he has done a tremendous job (otherwise this website would not exist). I love you my Angel.
At this point of my life I was in the darkest room of the house (Read Part 2 of my previous depression posts to see house explanation), and I was alone (I would cry days on end, sobbing and just wishing to die).
My family were too far away, I had lost all my friendships, and everything had fallen apart. That was the start of the new me. In a way I understand now that: unless a seed dies in the ground, it cannot be a tree. I had to go through this hectic season of my life so that I can grow into this new me which still needs a lot of work.
Many of us are afraid of change, (I used to be afraid too) but that change is an open door to a new room, new possibilities and experiences. If we live life running away, eventually we will get tired of running and one or two things will happen: You give in to the “will of the forest”(process) or you become like a stagnant pond, breeding all kinds of fungus and diseases which will in turn kill you more painfully than any accident would.
While many people who experience NDE (near death experience) wake up charged up and ready to kick butt, I was even more deflated and hated that I had survived.
I was diagnosed with depression a few months before all this, prescribed antidepressants and they simply did not work. That is where it all began. You see, there are many happenings in life which lead us to where we are today, many of them really painful and depressive. Some of you may be wondering why other people go through much worse and not get depressed?
We are all different and we experience and process life differently. The purpose of this post is to help those similar to me and those who simply want to understand depression better. Perhaps you want to help someone else. No one should have to struggle with it alone like I did, you can walk this journey with me and together we can free ourselves.
Thank you for stopping by.
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