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Why relationships are complicated

Incrementum

We all know what relationships are, between parents and children, lovers, friends and family and so on. Every relationship should have pillars of support, as these will remain the strongest points of the relationship when challenging times come. These, accompanied by a clear direction of where the relationship is headed along with everyone’s roles in that relationship, in order to make the journey as smooth as possible, should minimize the challenges inevitable. 

To tell my story better I will use some props. Imagine that any relationship you get yourself in is like getting on a ship. Firstly it’s important to understand the function of a ship, and what’s needed to keep it in motion. For example: 

The ‘ship’ Part of Relations

1. A ship is made to travel safely on water, something which a car cannot do.

2. You don’t just make a ship and then send it on the ocean by itself, there must be a captain to steer it, a maintenance person and so many other people who are needed to make sure that the ship is functioning the way it should. Sometimes you even have remote tracking and navigation, ensuring that you don’t get lost or head straight into dangerous storms. Among everyone on that ship, you will get some people who clean the ship, some cooking for everyone on board and all those other important duties we tend to forget about.

All those people are needed to make sure the ship gets to it’s destination in one piece and most importantly with everyone accounted for and in good health.

You and You Alone

When you are single everything is simple, you know what you like, what you don’t like, what irritates you and what does not. You know that everything you do depends on you and no one else, you don´t have to communicate to anyone or ask permission, it’s really just you and you alone. 

When you get into a relationship, everything else changes, it cannot be as simple any more, and this is what complicates things for many people. Imagine every person around you as a ship that is parked at harbour (maybe taking a break or voyaging for the very first time). If you decide to get into a relationship with that person, you are going to have to talk about your function in that relationship, then the destination part will need some adjusting. When you were both single you were going somewhere separate right? But now because you are climbing into each other’s ship, you will have to figure out if or not you’re headed the same way, and who’s destination do you go to first, what your functions are in each other’s lives and so forth. Your little boat has become a relationship now, and whatever you used to dislike or used to find irritating could be the very thing that keeps the other person happy and in high spirits.

Let’s say you hate golfing, and now you are in a relationship with someone who lives for golf, perhaps you did not even know you hated golf until you met them. Do you just convince them to let that go and find a mutual thing that you both can work with? What if they also don’t like something you like a lot? Should you like everything they like and visa versa? We all know pretending is tiring, so what now? 

If you want a relationship to work, you have to consider those simple pointers, and yes communicate ALWAYS. Rather over communicate than under communicate and have useless issues steal precious time and moments out of your life.  I will go into depth with this, let’s quickly take a detour. 

Let us break some of these relationships down in order to understand them better.

Parent/s and Child/ren

A relationship between parents and children are as important as other kinds of relationship. The first thing before one has children you should ask yourself why you want them, and are you able to provide for them and yourself simultaneously. In a world where everything is speeding to crash (eventually) I see more and more people bringing children in this world that they have no purpose for. It’s usually because our lives have become so competitive on social media, as everyone feels the need to prove to the world that they too can fall pregnant, they too can get engaged, they too can get married. Some of these people go into debt to pay for these things, or simply ask Mummy and Daddy to cover the cost. If you need laxatives to take a shit this obviously means you are experiencing some major problems. Laxatives are not even good for you, they erode the lining of your gut which you desperately need to digest your food. So… If you want to get married and don’t have the money for it, that means you are not ready financially right? So you must take time raising those funds so that when you have all the cash raised you can do it. This way you can have the wedding of your dreams. 

There are so many people who regret how their wedding turned out, because they rushed into things just so they too can say I did it. Some rush into the marriage for the wrong reasons (sex). Why do you think many religions condemn divorce? Because if they did not, marriage would be less common than it is now, because many people would simply divorce each other upon realising how immaturely they got married. So we end up having so many people stuck in marriages because of religion and that is a one of the signs why relationships are complicated. This problem does not only end at marriage, the same people who rushed to get married for sex, are now rushing to have babies for the wrong reasons too (I’m getting old, all my friends have children and so on). Before you have children ask yourself these simple questions:

1. Have I prepared for this child? (mentally, physically and financially)

2. Do I have space in my home for them?

3. If they get sick, can I afford the best medical care for them?

4. Have I put measures in place to assist them in succeeding?

5. Do I have the time and energy to invest in them?

6. Do I have a purpose for their life?

When you look at how many babies end up in foster homes, or adopted by other people, and the fact that so many parents hire nannies to raise their children, it just shows you that the people having the children don’t have time for them, and they don’t have finances for them either because they would not be working so they would not need nannies. So why are people having children left right and centre? This is something I don’t get at the moment. 

And no I am not talking about people that get raped and fall pregnant, so let that go already. I am talking about people that understand how sex works and how it can lead to pregnancy. 

There are more questions we can ask ourselves, these are enough for the point I am trying to make. When we answer these questions we can weed out all the unnecessary desire by simply focusing on fact: If you realize that you are not mentally ready to have a child, it won’t matter if all your friends have children. When you know what you are capable of, you don’t run races you are not trained to run, thus exhausting all your energy on the wrong things.

If you look at the questions above and really think about them, you’ll realize that many people (especially the poor folk) don’t really ask those questions, therefore the world is swamped by a lot of the lower class, leading to a large number of the world population being poor. Which in turn will of course lead to many of’em problems we face nowadays: high crime rates, over population (a fast lane for disease spreading) and all the issues we are all familiar with. This won’t get better, until people start bringing children to life mindfully and purposefully.

Upon having the children, you need to understand your role in their lives, you are their friend, their guardian, protector and everything else they need. Until that child is old and out of your care, they are your responsibility. You need to try your best to protect them mentally, sexually, and physically. You must make sure they have the stability required to flourish, you must teach them, support them and be there for them when they make mistakes, when they fall, and all that kinda jazz. 

It takes a lot of work to raise one child if you do just an okay job, adding another will take twice as much work (keeping in mind that all children are different and what they need from you may differ). Think of your children as your garden, you planted it and now you have to care for it so that it yields fruits which will please you and be sufficient for all you. If you see that your garden is infested by disease and pests, you will have two choices: Let the pest take full control and kill your garden, or do lots of hard work to see if you can save your garden. Sometimes even though a parent does an okay job, things go wrong because they can, the most important thing to do is keep fighting for your garden. Pests and diseases are there to steal from all your hard work, if you don’t fight for it, you will lose it all. Life is far from prefect, every now and then things will go wrong, just get up and keep fighting. 

I think the world would be a better place if we just took that little bit extra time to think before we get ourselves in predicaments which chains us to jobs we hate/which takes from us more than it gives to us, under bosses who look down on us. 

Stay tuned for the follow up of this post (Part 2)


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