What depression feels like | Part 3
Most of you who visit my website regularly would know by now that I have had a long battle with depression. I finally feel that it’s time that I write this following post. This will go more into detail on my journey alongside depression.
I feel strange, I don’t really know how to explain it, but let me say that this dark path I’ve walked on for so long, has been the greatest teacher in my life. I have seen and experienced things out of this world, literally. I think I have a much clearer visual now in my head of what depression would look like if animated. So please bare with me, while we go on one of the wildest rides you’ll ever experience mentally.
Before I got really super depressed, it was as if I was in a boat on the ocean, with a storm brewing in the distance and I knew by the sight of it, that shit was gonna hit the fan pretty soon. I had no ways of getting myself out of that situation, all I could do was reach out to the higher power, God or something. Something must be out there and it was gonna listen to my cry for help. As I sat in my little boat and felt the wind grow stronger and the waves start to splash into my little boat, my heart sank even before the boat capsized. I was sad coz I looked around me in that ocean and all I could see was chaos. I tried to find a safe place in the boat, coz maybe I could be so lucky that when it’s all over, I would find myself on some paradise Island, with lots of fruits and friendly people awaiting my arrival. Oh boy! I was so wrong. Right before the storm hit my little boat, for some odd reason there was dead quietness, the waves seemed to have found peace, and I thought perhaps today is my lucky day. My name means Blessed one, so maybe just maybe I would be really blessed. It was so quiet I could hear my own thoughts out loud, I knew it was not normal, but hey… what the hell could I do then? I had to wait and see what would come next. The quietness was not some random thing happening to me, there was a reason: everything had to be so quiet so that I could hear the instructions clearly. This journey started right after I went on a quest to find God, although I was a devout Christian for 15+ years, I still felt like I needed to REALLY find God. I did all the Christian stuff you can think of, and still in my heart I felt I needed to know him, but when I searched, prayed, spent time in the word and worshipped while fasting… I did not find him. This devastated me so much and I thought oh well… I’m fucked. It was not only that I could not find God while I was in that ocean, it was a lot of other things too, which I’ll share with time. I am not living one life, and I never have, I have 49 entities living in my body. No, it’s not that, this is something else entirely. I can’t go into details right now about them, they deserve their own post. Back to the ocean: Remember how quiet it got? While I was wondering about what’s coming next, suddenly out of nowhere, this is what happened:
I felt a strong force from deep beneath the ocean floors rise up with a large body of water, sweeping that little boat of mine like a piece of paper in the wind, up into the sky and I looked down and thought ‘I AM DEAD’. I was so paralyzed by fear, the only choice I had was to just wait for the impact, I was going down for sure, and even from so high I could see the face of the ocean beneath me and it had its mouth wide open, waiting for me to plunge into it like a fish into a whale’s mouth. There was no use in screaming at that point, there was no time to say goodbye. I had a few seconds to round up the last bits of my life in an attempt to leave clues for those who would find me afterwards. In case they ask themselves questions you know… I wanted to leave them with something. Like a feather, my body dropped down into the depth of the ocean and everything went black. The impact of the ocean and waves must have been hard, however, I only remember what happens after my body broke the water. I looked around me and saw nothing, absolutely NOTHING. After about 3 days of sinking down deep into the ocean, I began to see some faint lights in the distance… I tried to swim to that direction, but I could not navigate well, I was in an unfamiliar territory. The way my body used to function was no longer the same, my eyes could independently see different shades of light and textures. I could hear so much better and my smell had improved, although my mobility and balance were greatly affected. I kinda had to focus to walk again, I could no longer just stand up and my body would support me, no… I had to do major negotiations and pleads.
What happened afterwards was the beginning of a new chapter, yes dark and gloomy but eye opening. Almost like how we all know that babies are cute, but seeing the process of a woman give birth just opens your eyes to a whole new world beyond cute babies. While I was sinking deep into the ocean, I was angry, afraid, tormented and hopeless. ‘Just let me die instead’ I’d plead to whoever was listening, this was the greatest torture of my life, and NOBODY could understand. While sitting at the bottom of the ocean with a chain and a boulder to my neck, the only way I could manage to sleep and wake up was to write, so I started Incrementum. Although Incrementum was officially launched just over a year ago, the writing had been going on much longer. When I finally felt ready to share my experience, Incrementum was the way to do it. Many people who read my content simply don’t get it, they think I’m rude, and all kinds of things, and I don’t blame them. When all of the work was being written, I was not there, I was elsewhere, my body and mind were operated by the 49. I download my work from a different reality, one that you may only understand once you embrace this journey and process. It’s not something I can/should tell you, it’s something you have to experience for yourself. Writing was crucial to my survival, if I wanted to see the light of day, to get to that light in the distance, I had to to write.
You see, my struggles and everything written on Incrementum was a lifelong burden. It was a massive burden which weighed so heavily on my little boat that when the waves came crashing, the only way to go was down, down deep in the depth where very few souls ever get to be. This experience was better than any therapy sessions this world could offer. The blinds fell off and I see everything as it is, some things I am not allowed to share with anyone (coz you gotta walk that road and see for yourself) some things I have no access to, it’s shown to me and then locked away. Life is much more than the sun going up and down, so much more than buying and selling. And if we all see what I saw, EVERYTHING CHANGES. What I may tell you is we are being watched. Not by the government or by God, by something so much bigger than anything you have ever known. If you open your mind to see, you will see, and when you see, only then will you truly live.
Another thing I may share is that, our brains are like computers, therefore this means we can run out of space in our minds, when we have things weighing on us and if we don’t let it out it will cause some shit. Creative arts is not just art, it’s a filtering method. When you write a song, you are taking something in your mind and writing it down, therefore making space in your mind. When you make that bench, you are creating space in your mind. When you have sex, you are creating space in your mind. When you provide products as a business man, you are creating space in your mind. If your mind runs out of space, shit hits the fan. So yeah, I swear a lot on this website, I am not here to soothe anyone’s conscience, I am on a mission, and I have limited time (we all have limited time). Very few people ever get to know their full potential, are you one of them?
Depression is a fucked journey which leads to a…
To be continued.