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What is your belief?


In this world where the difference between reality and fiction is marked by a thin line hidden either in ancient text, or in legends passed down from one generation to the next, it makes sense that the truth dwells beyond the walls of life. I say so because if the truth was a part of our reality then the world would cease to exist as we know it. As a result, theories, ideologies as well as social cultures, each take a turn in the limelight in an attempt to come up with the best truths. As long as the major key to everything lies beyond death, no one can prove or disprove it… what a perfect conspiracy…

When I look at life as it is today, it’s no secret that life itself is a riddle. The past is a distant memory, the present is a giant mess and the future is most probably a massive iceberg of unimaginable proportions, rapidly melting under the very fire we keep feeding obliviously, unaware that soon the dripping iceberg will cause a flood which will sweep away anything in its path.

There are two sayings which I go by in this life (sometimes):
1. Just because you can, it does not mean you should.
2. When you think you understand it, you realize how much you don’t understand.

I know for some, everything I have said this far is just too deep to grasp, if that’s you, take some time and read some more of my work, it will prepare you for this, then come back to finish reading this.

Due to the nature of life and how it’s set up, all living creatures tend to hang onto life. You see, the thing is you have two choices: Continue living this life, or die. You are already here, yes you… you don’t really know where you’re coming from or where you are going but you are here now… at least of that you are sure. Forget about your belief for the time being, realize your own existence as a passing reflection on a broken mirror in a stranger’s house, dark at night. It feels uneasy right? You don’t like feeling unsure; is your belief true? The things you dedicate your life to, is it true? Can it be trusted? What in this world deserves trust? A holy book? Ancient scriptures? What about strange “supernatural” occurrences? Should We trust them?

The story behind a soul

When you walk in public around other people you are not familiar with… do you ever stop to think about their story?
This happens to all of us. When we meet people we don’t know, we don’t really think about their stories, yes we judge them according to how they present themselves to the world, but we never stop to think about their story. I get it it’s time consuming to fashion a story for every single person you meet, so you just imagine that they are there, and what you see is all there is to them. We never really realize that perhaps they think the same thing about us… let that sink in…
To really pick this bone, I will go ahead and start things off this way:
Life is fucked, if you didn’t know that, just travel around the world listening to other people’s stories. Clearly something is out of balance, and if we don’t figure it out in time, things will only get worse. Because of the state of life, there are many tether points hooking people to this life.

What are tether points?

Tether points are reasons why we are all here. Here is a list of some tether points:
1. Alcohol
2. Drugs
3. Religion & cults
4. Education & culture
5. Sex
And more.

I don’t want to talk about all the tether points, except the usual ones, which we all are familiar with. These are tether points because they usually give people more reason to stick around in life. When one gets drunk or high, your mental state is altered, meaning your reality is not the same as when you’re sober. Therefore when a person’s reality becomes too unbearable, it’s common that they will choose to take a break from it. This can happen spiritually, emotionally and physically, like in a sexual encounter.  In that moment, every little thought about the shit reality and misery in the world tends to melt away, and pleasure becomes the focus. It feels like you are rushing somewhere to get something… at least you know that when you cum everything feels balanced, you can relax now. Why is that? Where do you go during sex? Anyways…

Maybe you are reading this and you have never had sex because you are waiting for the right person. Because apparently you are very right, right? So you want the right person for you so that together you can be double right… what if they are right for you but you are not right for them? What happens then? What do you use to measure if someone is right for you? Is there like a personality test that looks all the way down to their DNA? Like how does it work? What are the most important things to consider in this matter? And how deep below the skin is deep enough to gather all information you need to check if a person is right for you? And most importantly,  how long does this process take? A month? 3 years? Or is it really quick like 24 hours? Anyways… think on that one too.

I remember when I was still religious,  I was dedicated like hell man. I sang in the worship team, sometimes lead worship myself, playing in bands. You name it… I probably did it. So I know my shit okay… I remember the courses on ‘how to hear the voice of God‘, you learn how to quiet down and find the voice of God in your head. The voice comes through your spirit though into your brain so… keep that in mind. This voice would mostly tell you things you wanna hear, like: ‘I am with you’, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’. Most of all, this voice was greatly influenced by the scriptures in the holy book (Bible)
This book is so holy that everything written in it must be held sacred in order to please God. This book covers a lot of genres in the literary world, from horror, comedy, mystery, adventure and even some erotic passages, just to cover all ground you know… you don’t want to write the greatest book ever and not think to extend your reach as far as possible. You gotta think of everyone, like a supermarket, selling a little bit of everything in order to gain more customers.

Treading on… When I’d be in worship, if I was truly focused and in the spirit, every little thought about the shit reality and misery in the world tends to melt away, and pleasure becomes the focus. Yes pleasure! Worship made me feel good, it made me feel like I was closer to God at that moment. Yes there had to be (songs) mostly, accompanied by instruments which further facilitated the presence of God, especially those padded piano notes, they had a warmth to them that just reached deep into my heart. I was 100% convinced that I was in the presence of God, I mean the Holy Spirit was moving around me and I could sense him/her/it. In order for God to feel really welcome, there had to be a pastor, who is singing and dancing while watching everyone else sing and dance. The pastor is crucial because he is the one who is ordained by God… how? Don’t ask me, I was never a pastor. The pastor had to have read the Bible a lot, maybe he studied it at a tertiary institution, or maybe he just read it a lot in his room late at night during a time that church members can’t really verify because they don’t live with him. So he can come stand in front of the congregation and say: Last night the Lord woke me up right before midnight, I felt his presence move my bed and throw my bedding off and I knew I had to pray (and no one would argue with him), pray for this congregation, pray for this country, hallelujah? If we were really holy, we’d show it by responding Amen to most if not all Hallelujas.

The other thing that this pastor had to do was molest young girls or boys in the secret, it gave him a huge thrill to know that he could get caught, however, I think the biggest thrill was knowing that he knows and does something that the rest of the congregation does not know. I don’t think his wife knew, because she was never involved, not until it all came out and she still decided to stick with him (coz ugh! He just touched a minor inappropriately, occasionally kissing her on her lips in the dark… no big deal, at least God forgave him). It didn’t matter what damage he did to a young teenage girl, what mental damage she had to carry with her for the rest of her life, it was not their problem anymore, they were gonna move on and continue to build their church, the holy church of Good News of the Lord, where discipleship is evident. That is why it was much easier for him to find another vulnerable girl when he did not have access to me… oops! I meant to say: when he did not have access to that teenager anymore. Like a hungry beast he had to keep finding prey one after the other because God forgave him always. That is why he never apologized to the innocent teenager, why should he apologize when he did nothing wrong? It is in his nature, like the snake and the devil himself… created to cause misery and emotional anguish, not only to the victims, but to himself as well. I’m sure deep down he genuinely feels like shit, that is if he is honest with himself (all bullshit aside). He knows he is rotten and he stinks, so he dresses himself with the word of God, goes on to improve the smile on his face so that he can look a little bit less monstrous… that is when I knew that his demons were right on his heels, he began a journey to oblivion, trying to elevate himself above others by improving his living conditions, perhaps he’d feel better about himself when sitting on that soft couch and rambling nonsense into the air with his daughter who holds him in high regards, completely blind to the real monster he is… She’s too close to him, how can she see his true colors and still trust him? Like standing at the base of a tall mountain looking up, you can’t really comprehend the entire mountain… it’s not easy.  Anyways…
This is something he is clearly not supposed to do according to the word of God. What you don’t see doesn’t bother you right? It was his secret, our secret, their secret.

Now when I look back at all of that from the outside, I see things differently. I knew that God knew everything and he created everything, but I never really thought about what it really meant. Keep the following in mind when reading the paragraph after this sentence: God knows everything and is everywhere, and only he can give life because he existed by himself,  so anything that was ever created was created by him, right? Is that only limited to physical bodies? What about emotions? Did he create emotions too? If you know him well… then you know he created everything, because he can do anything. So here is that paragraph you’ve been waiting for:

God created everything including Satan, meaning God created everything’s emotions including Satan’s. Yes!!! when a dog cries because he is sad, God must have created those emotions because otherwise where do they come from? When you are angry and irritable like right now (some of you), who created those emotions you are feeling? God… right? So, if God created Satan’s emotions, that means he knew what he was doing, he must have, because he knows everything.

So he created the most beautiful angel who was just as evil apparently, so that his evil intentions (feelings or emotions) would lead him to a predicament where God will have to kick him out of heaven according to his plan because (remember the previous sentence before this paragraph). This fucked-up behavior of God is not a one time only thing… it is also observed in the garden of Eden. God creates a snake (with evil intentions) before the humans, because the snake would later on have to tempt Eve and Eve Adam, like an elaborate trap… of course it works. The end of the story is: God’s will is fulfilled when you see Adam and Eve chased out of the garden for failing a test that God knew about and planned for them to fail in (along with that very snake he created for this exact purpose). So… according to the origins of the word of God, humanity was fucked before it even started… and who fucked it? God. Why? Ask him.

Let me quickly open your eyes: People love to think that Satan is evil and belongs in hell for eternity. But when you take a closer look to the whole story you see something mind bending… are you ready? God and Satan are equally as evil, no one is better than the other (because Satan comes from God, with all his good and bad intentions). And yet (like my two choices) we are all faced with two fucked options: Choose God or choose Satan. Because God had managed to paint himself in good light all this long, people usually run into his arms without even thinking twice. Only to be trapped by eternal turmoil in the name of Jesus. Trapped in marriages, trapped in churches, in ministries, in relationships and so on. It takes guts to stand naked without provision and carrying on with life, not everyone does it! Do you have the guts?

The point I wanted to make is: we all need that tethering point to live this life. For the religious it’s their spiritual practices, it’s designed to offer them a break from life, like getting high… but in a drug-free way, because the body knows how to create the adrenaline you need to escape your fucked reality. For the drug lovers, whether it be a bong, a smoke, random pills or an edible, they too seek just that break, a much needed break from this hectic life. There is a reason why it’s called adrenaline junkie… it’s because no matter how close they brush with death, they still want to do it anyways, coz
1. It feels good, it reminds them they are still alive coz life my friend can numb you for years.
2. It’s a massive risk, like gambling with your life, you know anything can happen, you could die, get injured or live… but most people don’t think about injury, they think more about living or dying. If they die, they get a permanent break from this life, if they don’t, at least they got much needed break from this life.

Adrenaline does not come with the equipment, it is produced by the body under certain circumstances, like when you worship God and get that warm comforting feeling, your body is at work my friend because you are “under certain circumstances”, but hey you go on and think God is talking to you, coz I have thought that too…
Back in the day, before I had my driver’s license,  I clearly heard the voice of God say to me, “if you get your driver’s license, I will provide you with a car”. I mean I was happy to hear that, God in heaven will get me a car if I just put in my efforts and get my driver’s license? I went on and did my lesson and my test in 1 week and I passed… now I waited for that car… until today I’m still waiting, no car. My point there is I would have loved to have gotten a car, my salary at that time was like constipated shit that I had to grab with a tweezer just to get something (it was nothing, for the work we did) so I knew I could not afford a car, the next logical thing would be if God got the car for me, but it never happened… it sucked to hear the following: Your mom always complains about the car we gave her, I told you maybe we should have just given it to her (me). Right in front of me, and that was the closest I ever got to just getting a car. God must have mixed up the addresses. Oh well… who needs God, right? Oh.. here is another one: a woman of God stops me at church this one time only to tell me that God told her to tell me (prophesy to me) that my husband is someone I know, and he’s right under my nose, so I shouldn’t look far. I met my partner on a dating website 🙂.  Another one prophecied to me that my husband would be a biker who loves the lord with all his heart… my partner has never ridden or owned a motorbike, and he certainly does not love the lord. This got so ridiculous that when it was prophetic time, I’d just walk out coz I had a very heavy bag full of unfulfilled prophecies, why the heck did I need to add to all of that?… so I can keep wondering… When is this one gonna be fulfilled? How about this one? Hell fucking no! It was maddening. 

The bottom line is: we all need a break from this fucked-up life (reality) through different tethering points. These are not ultimate truths, they are just windows for us to escape this shit life, because without them, many of us would simply go mad, or self destruct.

So… what is your tethering point? Is it your children? Your dreams for the future? Your fear of the afterlife? What is it?

If you have a headache after reading all this, I understand, go on now and hydrate, drink water, not alcohol or coffee… just water and lie down in a quiet place and close your eyes and relax. Or do whatever you want… haha.

Thank yourself for reading this post, you are growing and it will not feel great, but you’ll get there. Take care 🙂

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